Mourning over

Recollect the last unhappy day in your life. That time, when you were saddened to the very depth of your soul. Saddened over a loss which you thought you would never recover from.

And you cried those painful cries. Sitting for hours at stretch thinking how much the world has changed for you. This same world with all its splendour will never again mean much to you. Your heart could never feel happiness again. You will never be able to smile the same without feeling burdened.

You prayed to Allah, begging to be reunited with it. To get back what you have lost. To let it not be taken away from you yet because only THAT can make you happy. And without it, you will never be satisfied.

You prayed more often, recited more Qur’an. Your sujood were lengthened. You even found yourself waking up at night to worship.

But it was never returned to you. Only drifting further away and your hopeless self contracted within itself.

The dunya, dear reader, is a well played trick.

I recently had a similar crisis in my life. But this isn’t the first time it is happening to me. Time and time again, I have lost things that I dearly loved. And on all those occasions, I sought solace in dua’a. I hoped, prayed and cried over it. Turning away from people and calling on to AlMuid, the Restorer.

This, I consider a Mercy of Allah.

However, it is just a beginning of a long journey of self discovery.

Looking closely at these turn of events, I realized that they go in a full circle. Which starts from discovering your object of love, loving it and in the end, losing it.

Over and over again. A full circle.

And with every round you took, you left a part of yourself behind. You left a little of your ability to love, to care for, to hope and to achieve way behind. A part of your innocence left you in that jungle of aimless pursuit.

Isn’t it the reason why so many of us, so many betrayed, heartbroken souls lose the hope to live? Who is to be blamed when in the pursuit to just be happy, you end up being SAD. Hurt and devastated in the very end. Life becomes a mere struggle to breathe. Having ignored by life, you find within yourself more reasons to die. And that is what some end up doing; approaching death before it can approach them.

It is astonishing where an ill directed pursuit can take a person.

It surely isn’t meant to be this way.

You weren’t meant to go round, you were to supposed to walk on a straight path. Leading to Him. Even when you desperately turned to Him in times of need, momentarily gaining closeness to the Divine, as time healed the wounds somewhat you lost sight of the light you were shown. And eagerly, hurriedly, gave up yourself again.

When I thought I was being patient, I realized I was actually being greedy. All I could see was a need, a requirement which I justified was important for me to be happy. And when I invoked Allah for that need, I found His doors wide open. I found Him welcoming me, ready to give me much more than I have lost.

But I could only see that one object. My source of ultimate happiness. And I didn’t see the room I had entered. I didn’t see in whose presence I was standing. Who was responding to my desperate call. I had no time to look around. I shut my eyes to everything else. I just wanted my thing back and leave.

But it wasn’t there. And I left empty handed.

It was only this time when I was made to see a little more clearly. I could see what it meant to be calling upon Him. And why I should ask Him of something that suits His glory.

And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me – indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided.

(2:186)

This time when Allah opened a door again, though I came seeking what I had lost, I took my time to look around and realize where I was. What it meant to be here. What was I being directed to, what was I being shown. My life had a meaning, a purpose, a reason. I could not give it all up seeking something which in its very nature was temporary.

Would I rather not stay here than return empty handed?

So I stopped asking for it in my dua’a. I stopped invoking Allah for it to be returned. I ignored the pain for a moment and silenced the whims of the self.

I came seeking something else, but I don’t need it now. Because even if I get what I wanted, it would mean leaving this place. I’d rather be here and not have it.

The pain of loss will heal with time but the purpose of the loss is to remind me of something. He will give you toils again and again. Be happy that they come your way. Every time it so happens, understand that Allah wants to remind you of your returning place. He doesn’t want you to be comfortable in this life. He wants you to attain the eternal comfort and closeness with Him. The source of happiness isn’t your object of love. Happiness is in returning to Allah. Finding reasons to call upon Him and asking Him for His divine closeness.

Those who look for seashells will find seashells; those who open them will find pearls.

Imam Ghazali

 

BarakAllahu Feekum

Wa Assalam Alykum

 

 

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